Author: Elizabeth Wilde
Title: Gathering Clouds (1/1)
Series: sequel to "Moment of Weakness"
Distribution: anyone who has my fic, anyone who asks,
http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/xfic.html
Disclaimer: I don't own Jean or Scott or Logan or X-Men. So... don't sue?
'Ship: none
Classification: angst/vignette
Summary: Jean considers her options.
Rating: PG
Spoilers: one for the movie (I guess)
Feedback: Yes! wilde_moon@yahoo.com
Notes: The picture I made to go with it is at http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/gatheringclouds.html

"Gathering Clouds" (1/1)

The color of the sky as far as I can see is coal gray.

Lift my head from the pillow and then fall again.
With a shiver in my bones just thinking about the weather.
A quiver in my lips as if I might cry.

It's daytime, but it still looks dark in my little room down the hall. It's something like my other room. Our other room. But it's smaller. And colder.  Or maybe that's my imagination. I can't tell anymore.

It's almost funny how surreal everything is. I sat at the window with the curtain pulled back today and watched the rain for the better part of four hours. Usually I love rainy days. I remember dragging Scott outside after we first started dating and making him walk with me in the rain. I made it worth his while later that evening. For a time while I watched the rain, it seemed that day hadn't been so long ago. It was years, though, really.

I wonder how long I've been sitting in this room, trying to think, to not think, to remember, to forget.  It can't be more than a day or two. Or maybe a week.  Everything is fuzzy, hazy like the clouds outside. Gray.

I hear the sound of a noon bell chime. Now I'm far behind. You've put in 'bout half a day While here I lie With a shiver in my bones just thinking about the weather. A quiver in my lip as if I might cry, "What a cold and rainy day. Where on earth is the sun hid away?"

I can hear the school bells sometimes. I know when classes end, can almost hear the sound of feet trampling over antique rugs and up and down varnished stairs. That gives me some idea of time. But not much. The minute the sounds are gone, I forget. Or I remember something else.

A clap of thunder rings out and I jump, despite having watched the flash of lightening shoot down only moments before. And thunder always follows lightening. Cause and effect. I remember the first time I tried to treat Logan, remember the way my heart pounded in my chest when he sprang from the table, ready to attack. He apologized later, and even though it might have seemed brief or insincere to someone else, I could tell he meant it. Logan rarely says anything he doesn't mean.

"I just want you to know it's more than just the kiss, alright? But whatever you decide, if you decide, it doesn't change the way I feel."

I rub the back of my arms with my hands and try to force his words from my mind, at least for now. They just make it harder to think. At least the room isn't as cold now. Maybe the rain will stop too.

Do I need someone here to scold me Or do I need someone who'll grab and pull me out of this four poster dull torpor pulling downward. For it is such a long time since my better days. I say my prayers nightly this will pass away.

Back in bed again. Not sleeping. I actually can't remember the last time I slept. Maybe I haven't. Maybe I should. But I doubt I can. I can't get my mind to be quiet long enough to relax, to let sleep come.

Of course, the thinking itself is even harder than the trying not to think. It hurts more. I wish I could be removed from it all. Not just down the hall from everything and everyone but outside it, beyond it, above it. No longer part of life. At least not of my life. I have a decision to make, and I can't even begin to make it.

How do I choose between the man I've loved for years and the man I'm falling in love with? God, I didn't even realize that until I thought it. I am falling for him. Dammit. That's why I try not to think. It just makes things worse. I roll over, close my eyes, and pray for sleep. I need it to stop, at least for a little while.   I shiver, quiver, and try to wake.

THE END

Oh, and the song is "Like the Weather" by 10,000 Maniacs. Wonderful song!