Author: Feral T.
Title: Polish, Poles, and Poodles
Series: none (right now, anyway)
Distribution: Anywhere as long as I get credit.
Disclaimer: Not my stuff. No money. No sue.
'Ship: none, really
Rating: PG (language)
Spoilers: Maybe the movie...?
Feedback: Please! Email off-list at
feral_tendencies@yahoo.com
Notes: Set after the movie, sometime after Logan gets back from the base that Chuck found for him.

****
Bobby, Kitty, and Rogue all sat on the floor in Rogue's room. They were supposed to be in their own rooms; it was well past curfew. Kitty had her makeup spread out on the floor.

"Rogue, you really should let me try this lipstick on you. You'd look good in it," Kitty begged.

"Naw, that's ok. Ah think it's more along the lines of Bobby's color," Rogue said, grabbing the makeup and standing up.

Bobby stood up and backed away. "Now, Rogue, c'mon," he said with a chuckle. "I don't want that stuff on me!"

Rogue dove for him, but he dodged her easily. "Awe, c'mon! It'll look great! C'mon, you know you're a winter!"

Kitty slapped her forehead and groaned. "That was bad, Rogue, really bad," she teased.

Rogue giggled. "Yeah, it was, wasn't it?" She went to sit back down, and after a moment's hesitation, Bobby sat down, too.

Bobby stared idly at the floor. Suddenly, his hand shot out and grabbed at bottle of really girly pink nail polish. "He-e-e-e-e-e-y... I just got a crazy idea."

"What? What is it?" Kitty wanted to know.

He laughed mischievously. "I just thought of a great prank."

"Uh-oh," Kitty said, though it was obvious she was more amused than worried.

Rogue cocked her head at Bobby. "What'd ya think of?"

"What say... we paint the Wolv's fingernails while he's sleeping?" Bobby said, holding up the bottle with a grin.

Kitty clapped her hands. "Ha! That's great!"

"Well, ya had it right the first time... it IS a crazy idea. Remember what happened to me?" Rogue reminded them.

Bobby waved her off. "We're not gonna try and wake him up. Far from it!"

"I'll do it! Me, me!" Kitty said, raising her hand. "It'll be fun! And I might get to see him shirtless!"

Rogue rolled her eyes, and felt herself blush a little. "Well, ya can count me out. Ah'm goin' ta bed." //Ah'm not even gonna remind 'em that he'll know who it was by scent... let 'em find out the hard way.//

Bobby shrugged. "Suit yourself. Just remember, you've got something to get up early for."

"Heh, then I'm off!" Kitty grabbed the bottle of nail polish and ran through the nearest wall.

>>>> RRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNGGGG!!!!!!!

Logan woke with a snarl, and promptly thrust his claws through his alarm clock. A second later, he realized where he was, and that he'd just slaughtered an innocent timepiece. //Dammit, not again,// he thought with a groan. He rubbed his hand over his chin and decided that he could go another day without shaving. He slipped on a shirt and his well-worn boots, and fixed his hair. Still half-asleep, he stumbled downstairs to the kitchen.

When he got there, he was surprised to find two of the students actually awake and standing in the kitchen - Bobby and Kitty, if he remembered correctly. When they saw him, they started snickering in a conspiratorial way. Logan shot them a suspicious look, wondering what about him in the morning could possibly be considered funny. He opened the refrigerator and quickly threw together a sandwich. Staring blankly at the wall, he wolfed down his sandwich, all the while trying to ignore the giggling kids at the other table.

Giving the students one final menacing glare - which only served to amuse them further - Logan stalked out of the kitchen. His next stop was the weight room. On the way, he met Scott in the hall. Scott took one look at him, and burst into a fit of laughter.

Logan grabbed Scott by the shirt and slammed him into a wall. "Ok, what is so DAMN funny about me this mornin'?" he demanded.

Finally getting a hold of himself, Scott replied, "Well... that color of polish just isn't you."

"Huh?" Logan looked at his fingernails, each of which had a sloppily applied streak of bright pink nail polish down the middle. He growled. "Damn kids!"

Logan left Scott laughing in the hall, and charged toward the kitchen. Both kids were still there, and they figured out pretty quickly why Logan had shown up again. The two of them backed away, scared out of their wits.

"Easy now," Bobby begged, "it was just a prank!"

Logan didn't respond. Instead, he extended his claws and kept stalking toward them.

At the sight of those claws, Kitty let out a surprised squeak and shot through one of the walls of the kitchen, leaving Bobby to fend for himself. //Some friend,// Bobby thought, eyeing Logan's claws nervously.

Just then, Scott showed up behind Logan.

"Logan? Logan! Hey! Calm down!" Scott said, grabbing Logan by the shoulder.

Logan shrugged off Scott's hand. "Awe, calm down, Cyke. I wasn't gonna hurt the kid... just scare the hell out of him," he said, punctuating his last remark with a vicious glare at Bobby.

"Logan, just go find some nail polish remover and let it go," Scott said, making a futile attempt to cover his smirk.

Logan growled again, but retracted his claws and left the kitchen without another word.

>>>> Logan knocked on the door again and jammed his hands further into his pockets. //C'mon, Jean, I know you're here...// Finally, the door to Jean and Scott's room swung open. "Logan? What are you doing here? It's only six o'clock. Shouldn't you still be in the weight room?"

"Well, normally I would be... but I fell victim to a buncha teenagers," he said with a scowl.

"What do you want from me, then?"

"I... need some nail polish remover," Logan muttered, looking at the floor.

"Some what?"

"Nail polish remover," he mumbled again.

"What?"

"NAIL POLISH REMOVER!!" Logan practically screamed, then quickly glanced up and down the hall to see if anyone had heard him. A few students had stuck their heads out their doors, but there was no one he recognized right offhand.

"Nail polish remover? What for?"

Glancing around to see if anyone was watching, Logan pulled his hands out of his pockets and showed them to Jean. She bit her lower lip, obviously trying to repress a laugh, then ducked back into her room. A few seconds later, she came back with a bottle of nail polish remover and some cotton swabs. "Here you go," Jean said, a smile still tugging at the corners of her mouth.

Logan quickly accepted the items and stuffed them into his pockets. "Thanks, Jean," he said, then quickly turned to walk down the hallway.

"Hey, Logan?"

He quickly halted his progress to turn and look at Jean. "Yeah?"

Jean smiled at Logan's hopeful look. "I was wondering if you'd like to come with me and Scott on a camping trip for the next three days. The Professor wanted us to take some of the students, and he said that I should find one other person to go. Storm's visiting some friends, so I thought that maybe you could come. To help watch the kids, I mean."

Logan's face fell. "I don't know... after what Bobby and Kitty did..."

"Oh, c'mon... that was just a little joke. They won't do it again. And I have no doubt you scared them badly enough to ensure that," she said with a grin. "Please? It'll be fun!"

Logan scratched the back of his head uncertainly. "Well... ok. I'll go pack. Who else is coming with us?"

"Just Bobby, Kitty, and Marie. No one else wanted to go. Most of these kids aren't the outdoorsy type, it seems."

Logan nodded and gave her a little wave goodbye. "See ya this evenin', then."

>>>> Logan stalked along behind the group of mutants, wondering why he'd agreed to all this. Not only was he carrying the equipment he'd packed for himself-which was, in and of itself, a heavy load-but also the equipment for the kids. //Dammit, I'm not a pack mule. Why do *I* have to carry all this crap?//

Rogue, Bobby, and Kitty were all grouped together, whispering excitedly about the camping trip. Despite their whispers, Logan could hear them loud and clear.

"I'm going fishing first off!" Bobby exclaimed. "I brought all my fishing stuff, too!"

Logan grunted. //Yeah, that and your brick collection.//

"I can't wait to cook marshmallows," Kitty said. "And when it gets dark, we can read the magazines I brought! I also brought a lamp to read by, so we don't have to use Rogue's crummy flashlight."

//Magazines? She must've packed enough for a whole library, as much as her bag weighs.//

Rogue made a sound of protest. "Hey! That flashlight's still good... the batteries are just bad.  Oh, and Kitty, did ya bring your makeup bag?"

At the mention of Kitty's makeup, Logan growled loud enough for the teens to hear him. They suddenly became very silent, no doubt fearing for their lives.

"Any more of those screwy pranks from you kids, and you're gonna be scattered all over New York," Logan threatened.

Jean and Scott stopped hiking long enough to look back at Logan.

"Oh, Logan," Jean chided, "they didn't hurt anything. They're just kids."

Logan just scowled at the ground and started hiking again.

>>>> It was dusk, and everyone was sitting around the campfire. Logan had tried repeatedly to light a cigar, but Jean had shot him down each time, citing the children's health as her reason.

"Can we roast marshmallows?" Kitty begged. "Please?"

Scott turned around and pulled a bag of marshmallows and a bundle of skewers out of his pack. "Here you go," he said, handing them to Kitty with a slight smile.

Blushing a little, Kitty accepted the items and rigged up marshmallows for each of the teens to roast. "You want some, Logan?" she asked, holding the bag out to him.

Deciding to have a little fun, Logan replied, "Sure." He grabbed the bag from her, and extended the claws on his right hand. He put a marshmallow on each one and held them over the fire. He looked at the kids, a bizarre grin on his face. They all stared back at him, looking confused and a little terrified. After a minute or two, the marshmallows were done, thankfully before the fire heated Logan's claws enough to burn him.

As he wolfed down the sticky treats, Logan watched Jean and Scott, who were whispering between themselves. Something Scott said made Jean giggle, and she gave him a playful smack on the chest. He responded by grabbing her and pulling her close to him. She playfully resisted for a second, then relaxed and leaned against him.

Logan's expression became so dark that the kids literally ran for their tents. Deciding that he'd better remove himself from the area before he pitched a burning log at Scott's head, Logan stalked toward his tent and crawled into it, settling in for a good night's sleep... he hoped.

***** (Two "fun"-filled days later...)

Logan awoke late in the morning to find that his hands felt unusually heavy. Lifting them up so he could see them, he found they'd been covered in refrigerator magnets. //DAMMIT!!! THAT'S IT!// He launched himself out of the tent with a snarl. Thundering over to the kids' tent, he stuck one set of claws into it and carved an opening in the top. "Rise and shine, brats! You'll want to see the end comin'!" he yelled.

The kids, who were already awake, dressed, and going through magazines, looked up with wide eyes at Logan's menacing visage. Then, Bobby started snickering, and Rogue and Kitty quickly joined in. Their snickers became laughs, and their laughs became loud guffaws. Logan picked Bobby up by the shirt and held him with his feet dangling above the ground.

"Logan, put him down."

Logan dropped Bobby and turned around, finding Scott standing outside his tent and glaring at him. At least, Logan thought he was being glared at. //So damn hard to tell with those damn glasses.//

Jean stood slightly behind Scott. She shook her head in mock dismay. "Logan, what are we going to do with you? We can't afford to lose a student every time they play a practical joke on you, can we?"

"Guess not," Logan said, giving her a sheepish grin.

Then the wind shifted, bringing Scott and Jean's scents to Logan. Unfortunately, three days without bathing, along with camping in the summer heat, had served to make them *both* extremely raunchy. //Phew!  Geez, they stink! Guess it's true what they say... you never can tell it when *you* smell.// "Scooter, you mind movin' downwind o' me? You're kinda funky," he said, doing his best to hold his breath and talk at the same time.

Jean laughed, drawing an annoyed glare from Scott. "You're no breath of fresh air yourself, hairball," Scott said with a smug look on his face.

Logan managed to summon the willpower it took to ignore Scott's remark. "We *are* goin' back to the school today, right?"

Jean nodded. "Yes, this evening. First we're taking the kids fishing. And before you can ask, yes you have to go. I'm staying here and packing things up. You and Scott are going to help the kids with their fishing equipment."

"Hey!" Bobby cried indignantly. "I know how to fish! I have a whole fishing kit!"

"Bobby," Rogue chided, "havin' a fishin' kit and knowin' how ta fish are two different thangs. You're a city boy, and I know ya haven't seen a day of fishin' in your entire life."

"Well, I've read lots of books about it."

"The only thing I ever see you read are the Playboys Remy gave you," Logan heard Kitty whisper.

Logan had to grin at that. //Scooter'd come unglued if he'd heard 'er. I'll let 'im find out on his own, though.// "In that case, hurry up and get yer crap together so we can hurry and get this done," he said, glaring into the hole he'd ripped in the tent. "I don't wanna stay here any longer than I gotta."

>>>> "Bobby! Ewww, get that away from meeee!"

"Awe c'mon, Kitty, it's just a little worm! It won't hurt you!"

"But it's *slimy* and disgusting! And I don't want it in my hair!"

"Bobby," Scott interjected, looking up from the wad of fishing line that he was working on, "put the fish on the hook and quit chasing the girls with it." //Next time, I'm putting a lock on the pole case. Bobby and his impulsiveness. At least Hairball took him aside and showed him how to cast before he screwed up anything else.//

Logan looked up from where he stood on the other end of the dock. "Told ya we should've used lures," he said, casting his line again. As he waited for a bite, he lit a cigar and stuck it in the corner of his mouth. "Hey, Scott, I thought this lake was s'posed to be stocked."

"It *is*," Scott said, wrestling with the line and catching several small fish hooks in it. "It's just that you have to be smarter than the fish."

Logan rolled his eyes but said nothing, deciding that fishing line duty was punishment enough for old One-Eye. Suddenly, the relative quiet of the lake was broken by a surprised shout from Scott.

"BOBBY! Wait, don't cast - "

A bright flash of red light that took out a small dingy across the lake followed the whiz of an unreeling fishing line. Logan turned around in time to see Scott sitting on the dock with his eyes screwed shut. Bobby stood next to him, trying to reel Scott's glasses in before they fell off the hook. When they came out of the water, they were thoroughly tangled in the fishing line.

Chuckling and shaking his head, Logan grabbed the mess from Bobby and managed to unwind Scott's Oakleys. "Here, Scooter," he said, handing them back to Scott. "Next time, don't stand behind the rookie."

"Yeah, good idea," Scott grumbled, putting the sunglasses back on. "And check who's behind you before you cast next time, Bobby."

"Sorry, Mr. Summers," Bobby muttered as the girls stifled giggles.

"Bobby, Ah thought you knew how ta fish," Rogue teased.

"I do!" Bobby shot back indignantly.

"Good comeback," Kitty said sarcastically, giving him a thumbs-up and a wink.

Bobby just glared and moved down the dock a ways to continue fishing.

Logan glanced back at Scott and started chuckling. "Uhm... Scott... you've got lake crud on your glasses," he snickered.

"Logan - "

"Woah, hey! I got one, I got one!" Kitty shouted, loud enough for the whole lake to hear.

With Logan's help, she managed to reel in her catch... a whopping five-pound bicycle tire, complete with wire-spoke wheel.

"Wow, that sure fought hard," Kitty said, bemused. "This lake's a mess."

"Maybe Goodyear stocked it," Bobby joked.

"Shut up an' keep fishin'," Rogue ordered. "You're gonna scare all the fish away, and Ah'm lookin' forward to some catfish for dinner."

Everyone gathered themselves and went back to their respective tasks. Except Scott. After several more attempts at untangling the mess that Bobby had made, he pitched the whole shebang into the lake in frustration.

>>>> (The next day...)

"No, Bobby, no more pranks."

"Awww... c'mon, Rogue! Just one more... please?" Bobby begged.

Rogue shook her head adamantly. "No! I keep getting' caught in the middle, an' I ain't gonna put up with it anymore!"

"Fine, Rogue," Kitty huffed, crossing her arms over her chest, "we'll do this on our own."

"Fine. Then Ah'm stayin' away from you two for the next few days. Ah ain't riskin' gettin' the hell scared outta me again." With that resolution, Rogue stomped out of the cafeteria.

"Wow, she's no fun," Jon said, frowning after her. "So, Bobby, you *really* painted Logan's fingernails?"

"Actually, Kitty did," Bobby said with a grin. "But it *was* my idea."

"And he really sliced a hole in your tent after you stuck those magnets to his hands?"

"Yes," Bobby grated between clenched teeth. //Why does *that* part always have to get around the school before everything else?//

"And you're *still* gonna go through with this?"

"Uh huh."

"Bobby, you're a madman." Jon paused, then grinned. "I'm with ya."

The three of them giggled together.

>>>> Jean was startled out of her reverie by angry pounding on the classroom door. //Who knocks on a classroom door?// "Come in."

Logan stormed through the door, looking around the classroom as if he expected an ambush. He was wearing his jacket zipped up almost to his chin, which was odd since the classroom couldn't have been any cooler than eighty degrees Fahrenheit. There was obviously something bundled up in it, and it was squirming in a desperate attempt to get out. He pulled out a chair and sat down across the desk from Jean.

Jean arched one eyebrow at him. "Logan? Dare I ask... what's wrong?"

"It's those damn kids," he growled, wrestling to keep whatever he was carrying in his jacket. "They left a - "

At that point, the bundle he was carrying managed to wrestle its way out of his jacket, and a dainty poodle with pink ribbons in its ears stuck its head out under Logan's neck.

Jean had to put one hand over her mouth to stifle a laugh. "But, Logan, it's adorable! Ladies really dig guys with dogs," she teased.

Logan suppressed a growl and picked up the poodle in one hand. //Damn thing sure is tiny,// he thought to himself. "If you like it so much, why don't you take care of it? I don't even know where the hell Bobby managed to find a poodle, but if I find out, I'm gonna kill the bastard that he got it from."

Jean looked at the little dog and laughed. "It *is* cute. Can I hold it?"

Logan set the tiny dog down on the desk. "Be my guest," he said with not just a little disgust. //I hope to hell no one sees me with this thing. Most sissified animal on the planet.//

"How exactly did you wind up with her anyway?" Jean said, reaching toward the poodle.

//Her? I hadn't noticed. Not that I care...// "Found it curled up in the middle o' my bed. I could smell Bobby, Kitty, and Jon's scents in there, so I know it was them."

Jean shook her head. "I hope you didn't - OW!!! She bit me!!!"

The little dog started yapping and bouncing around when Jean yelled. Logan quickly grabbed the thing and put it back in his jacket, this time letting it leave its head out in the open. The minute he picked the dog up, she stopped barking. "Sorry," he muttered.

"Why didn't you *tell* me she bites?!" Jean demanded, rubbing her bruised hand.

"She didn't try to bite me," Logan said with a shrug.

Jean glared at him for a second, then started to laugh.

Logan glowered at her. "What?"

"Well, I think you've found yourself a new pet," she snickered.

"Ohhh no. Uh-uh. No way in hell am I keepin' this thing."

"Well she obviously won't have anything to do with anyone else."

Logan glanced down at the little dog with a bewildered look on his face. "What the hell am *I* gonna do with a dog? 'Specially somethin' as pansy as this. I can't keep this. Scott would never let me hear the end of it. I - "

Jean rolled her eyes. "Oh, just take the bows out of her ears and put a bandana on her. She'll be plenty macho for you then."

"Maybe Marie would like a dog..."

"She's allergic," Jean said, cutting him off before he could take the thought any further. "Now, you figure out where that dog came from, and if it doesn't have a home, you find one for it or let it live with you."

"Yes mommy," Logan grumbled as he stuffed the dog back into his jacket and stalked out the door.

>>>> (Later that evening...)

Jon was incredulous. "You're telling me Cuddles didn't bite the hell out of him?"

Bobby shook his head. "Nope."

"Your aunt's psycho-killer, never-likes-anyone, barks-at-anything-that-moves, pees-on-the-carpet-just-to-make-you-mad poodle didn't even bark at him?"

"Nope."

Jon sat back in the cafeteria chair. "Wow."

"Maybe she actually liked him," Kitty suggested.

"I think she just knew better," Bobby grumbled, propping his chin on one hand.

Kitty drummed her fingers on the table. "So what now, Ace?"

"Well, we get the dog back to my Aunt, then we think up another prank."

"Don't you think we've done enough to him?" Kitty asked.

Bobby shrugged. "Eh... he hasn't threatened our lives yet. I say we've still got a couple more pranks before he climbs the clock tower and goes postal."

Jon grunted. "So, what are we gonna do to him next?"

"I think I've got an idea," Bobby said, a small grin creeping across his face.

Jon leaned forward. "Yeah? You think it'll work?"

Bobby nodded sagely. "Yup. Now I just gotta figure out where to get a mule, some confetti, and fifty gallons of spray-on grass."

END

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