Sovereignty and Salvation

Rating: PG -13
Pairing:  Logan/Jean
Archive: Sure, if you like this sort of stuff.  Just drop me a note to let me know where it's going, I'm nosey.
Date Started/Completed: August 2004
Disclaimer:  They aren't mine...just the usual disclaimer.
Writer´s Notes: Doesn't belong anywhere, doesn't go with anything.
Comments/Feedback are appreciated and welcome to RedFenix.

Sadness seeps from every pore of my body. I can´t control it anymore and I don´t want to. I´ve long since given up hope that I can battle it back down when it rears its ugly head. I take it as it comes now, rolling with the punches so to speak. It consumes me for a few short hours and then abandons me when it has raped me completely of any feeling.

I´m in the midst of one of those sessions now. Tears course down my face as I sit in the darkness of the unlit bathroom. The room is stark and unfriendly in the darkness. It is this way on purpose, just for times like this

I have gotten into the habit of immersing myself in a tub full of water when the sadness comes. The water is like a leech, stealing from me my emotions as they threaten to flood over me. It protects me. Holds me tightly in its grip as the deluge begins.

The once steaming hot water surrounding me has long since gone cold. It is my signal that the tears will end soon. That the madness will lock itself away until the next time that it envelops me. It is my comfort amid the chaos.

The muscles in the back of my neck protest painfully and I shift my position in the tub slightly so that my chin is just touching the surface of the water. I gaze out blindly across the water at the dark mirror image of the room reflected on it.

The last few tears spill from my eyes and trail slowly down my flushed cheeks. They fall unnoticed into the water below. My hand drifts lifelessly, the last of my strength slipping from me as I try to relax and let the last of the emotions fade away.

The lone door to the room cracked open and I turn my head so that I can see in my peripheral vision the shadow of someone standing there. I had forgotten to lock the door.

"Jean?" Logan´s whispered voice echoes in the darkness.

I say nothing, hoping that he will go away and leave me to wallow in my self pity. I know better though, Logan is nothing if not determined.

The door closes with a click.

"Yes, Logan?"

"I was coming to see if you were alright. You bolted out of the dining hall right in the middle of dinner."

"I´m fine." My strategy was to keep the conversation short, stoic. At this moment, I just wanted him to go away.

"Are you sure? You´re not acting like it."

I could hear the worry in his voice. I was sure that if I could see his face, it would be lined with it as well. This couldn´t be helped. I needed to get through this on my own. I need to rid myself of the last vestiges of it. "Yes." I cursed when I heard him move further into the room. Screw it; I wasn´t in the mood to put up with anyone right now, even him. Full bitch mode seemed appropriate. "Go away Logan."

"Ah, one of those huh?"

"I said go away." I punctuated each word deliberately. I couldn´t make myself any clearer.

"Sorry darlin´, as much as you want me leave you alone right now, it´s not going to happen. And you can wipe that scowl off your pretty little face while you´re at it."

Damn him and those heightened senses he had. So .bitching wasn't going to work. Time to switch tactics. Kill him with kindness. "Please Logan. I just need some time to myself right now."

"That ain´t going to work either."

"Shit."

I could hear him smother a laugh as he moved across the room. I heard the soft click of a switch an instant before the soft glow from the miniature lamp bathed the area where he stood in a dim light. I winced against the faint light. The darkness was my comfort and he had just single-handedly splintered it.

He turned to face the porcelain tub and I could indeed see the worry lining his face. "You´ve been crying."

"Thanks for that piece of enlightenment." His scowl deepened and I regretted the tone of my voice as soon as the words were out. "Sorry." The word mumbled out, it was a feeble attempt at an apology and we both knew it. I never liked having one of my weaknesses pointed out to me. He knew it. That was the source of my irritation and the limp apology.

I watched as he came to stand by the tub. He hovered over me saying nothing. I don´t think he knew what to expect, seeing me like this. He usually knew about it after the fact, but he´d never been privy to one first hand. I was usually very careful when the madness came, taking great steps so that no one at the school was aware of what was happening.

Even him.

Apparently, I was slipping.

He reached down with his open hand and combed his fingers through my wet hair. "Need anything?"

Sighing, I gave up. "You." My breath along the top of the water sent out small ripples across the surface as I spoke. The torment was indeed over, the tears gone for now. I just wanted him to let me wrap myself around him and make me forget it had happened. The outbreaks always left me drained and empty. I knew he would help fill some of the void.

Nodding, he broke the contact between us and I watched as he braced his hands on either side of the tub before levering himself into the water.

Fully clothed.

I managed a weak smile. He smiled back from across the tub and shrugged his shoulders. A mischievous grin lifted the corners of his mouth as he moved himself closer to me. Water sloshed out over the lip of the tub as his body weight displaced it.

His face was inches from mine before he stopped so that his own chin was just above the surface of the water. His fully clothed body pressed down against my naked one. His eyes silently questioned if I was really was okay. I nodded slightly in response and lifted my face towards his.

The kiss was deep, mind numbing. It was exactly what I was looking for. I wasn´t sure how he did that. How he knew exactly what I needed without me having to say a word. Maybe it showed in my eyes, my face. It didn´t matter really. What mattered most at this moment was that he was here pressed up against me in a tub full of water with his clothes still on.

His hands slid along my hips as he pushed his upper body out of the water. The black shirt he was wearing was plastered to his skin but he didn´t even seem to care, his determination read clearly on his own face now. Chocolate brown eyes met mine as he carefully and gently slipped one finger down over me, parting the flesh before slipping it tortuously inside of me in one solid stroke.

I had come here to escape the overwhelming madness that stole my sanity from time to time.

He came here to make me forget completely.

[end]